The Adventures of a Lass Named Cass

First rule of my life:

Everything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Second:

I will always rise to the challenge. I will ALWAYS be happy. Most importantly, I will never feel sorry for myself, or forget that life is a gift and I am its creator.

I’m confused. There’s all sorts of goodbyes going on all over and I just feel like I want to duck out and not say bye to anyone. I can’t seem to conjure those necessary feelings for teary and sentimental goodbyes. It just doesn’t seem real to me that tomorrow is my last full day in Thailand, and that half of us have already left. I suppose I can thank my teachers for giving me finals all the way through Thursday for the delayed reaction, but there’s a lot underneath it.

I’m getting really anxious about going home. It’s just so odd that I’m in the same “I have no idea what’s on the other side” mindset that I was in just before I came here. Weird that I feel that way about the place I’ve lived in all my life. It’s funny how used to things you can become. I once heard a quote that said “The worst thing about people is they can adapt to anything”. I’d argue also argue that’s one of our more necessary traits, but how much people can endure change is just mind-blowing. And it’s funny how frightened you become before each major life shift even though you know with absolute certainty you’ll make it through.

I’m frightened of picking up the threads of my old life and worried that in many ways I might not fit it anymore. I’m also nervous of the conditions that I’m going back to. I wonder how the people I love most have changed and if we’ll understand each other anymore; and I’m not looking forward to seeing some of the most wonderful friends I have graduating and running off to different parts of the country.

And people are having babies. And I’m gonna be a senior. And my sister is going to college. And I’m 21. And my cousins, parents, grandparents are getting older. And the world has not stopped spinning; but the longer I’ve been away the less gradual these changes appear. Am I just at a unique time in my life, or does life always move this fast?

So much of my college experience has been built up on studying abroad, and so much of my life has been built up to going to college. What happens when all of that ends? I feel more than a little lost these days. I’ve seen so much out here of myself and other people and life, I wonder who the fuck wrote the rule book. I know I’m stronger now, but with that comes the added responsibility to fight to keep from being jaded, and to know when to be selective about where you put your heart and energy but still be open enough to making mistakes and fucking up and wasting time. It’s a big-ass crazy world out there, it’s not fair and you’re sad and alone more then you would like, yet also so capable of finding love and people to look after you no matter where you are. Oh, these contradictions leave my head spinning.

And so I suppose the only way through is one step, one day at a time, and nurturing yourself when the world and people around you just aren’t capable of finding that thing that you need. One step at a time. One breath at a time. I’ve struggled more than I would have preferred here, but here I am, at the end. And even if life has a whole lot of struggle left for me and this is just the beginning, all I want is the people I love right by my side as I fight through it all.

Goodbye Thailand. 

So today was my last day at The Healing Family Foundation. It couldn’t have been better. I spent the morning drafting up a Thank You letter to Rotary (queen of all middlemen) and hand-selected our nicest products to put together in a package for my presentation to them when I come home. It was really relaxing just chillin’ and plunking away on the keyboard and squeezing in some time to do my paper. One of the artists came in and must have thought that I already left because he kept pointing at me and staring around at people like he saw a ghost. Haha, it made me laugh. He reminds me a little of daffy-duck as is so seeing his mouth agape with his big glasses falling off cracked me up. Cutest fella ever.

My boss was really nice and brought in a bunch of mango from his farm and some sticky rice (aroi maak maaaaaaak!). He also brought in some Durian for me to finally try before I left. The Japanese ladies got some really funny pictures and a good laugh out of my subsequent facial expressions. It was kinda good, I think? To let you in on what Durian is- it’s this huge spiky fruit in tropical countries that smells so bad that we have signs in our dorm and in airports and hotels banning it. According to one of my bosses “There are two kinds of people: those who like Durian, and those who don’t!” Not quite sure which side I fit on. :P

So things are going swimmingly, thank the looooord. Just have to wing my Thai project this afternoon then make more headway on my paper and relax with Anna to the season finale of Once Upon A Time. :) Super happy.

Feelin’ so close to you right now….

Baha,

Cass

Four days= 2 presentations, 2 finals, a ten page paper, a letter to our donor & packing up my whole life (once again) and kissing Thailand goodbye. Fucccck. Three extra weeks of semester is kicking the living shit out of me. I don’t remember the last time I was this fucking burned out. And to top it all off we keep getting lovely giant spider, frog and fly infestations. Thought I was gonna escape that at least! Uggh, catching some shut eye. Tomorrow’s a new day, just keep on pushing. Singapore, Sorin and sweet reunions this weekend. Eyes on the prize.